An update + Ripley's journal #2 I guess

I think it very shameful, at least for myself, to embark on this blog project and let it fizzle out so quickly. In all fairness, I have had a bit of emotional decline over the past almost two months. I'm not sure what happened, really. Lately I find myself less happy when I'm alone at home, more anxious, and sort of on this constant search for reassurance. For last month, at least, this entailed a lot less motivation to write anything, because everything came out whiny and sad. I like writing when I'm confident that I as a person have some interesting things to say, and not when I'm moping in insecurity every day when I'm not with my sweet girlfriend or my very close friend. Thank you both, shall I name drop? Like in my first post? Thank you for reading my blog and being nice to me, Madeline and Eva. Sorry that you have to read my same sad complaints on one forum or another.

Anyway, cutting myself off there with that topic. I'm actively trying to focus energy into things other than self-criticism. Like reading again! I actually finished a book last week, and another today. Next up is The Bell Jar, which I feel like I could easily hate or love. Actually, I don't know enough about it to say that for sure. Most books I read end with me feeling neutral-good. I have given many 3-star ratings on Goodreads.

I also have indulged a bit in the drug that is essentially speed-running schoolwork. I usually turn in things late, or type out a couple sentences for APUSH over the course of an hour. I feel a great bit of indifference to school this year, so even when I do manage to utilize my free time for it, little effort is involved. The past few days though? I've turned over my phone on my little desk, and just squashed out the anxiety I feel by forcing myself through a couple things. I did my Italian homework, just got it through with. Earlier today I finished the shoddy background of my painting for an hour and a half, while listening to an episode of Ear Biscuits. I think the key for me is to avoid self-encouragement, no "you can do it!" because then I'm thinking of how I can't or how it won't be good enough or whatever I think in that deflective moment, I don't know. I just do it as a shitty distraction. It doesn't feel so great during, or even after, but at least I end the day having done something rather than nothing. With the paintings it does bring me some satisfaction, since I think I've seen myself improve through a couple empty-energy-fueled sessions. I can't preach to this method since it is so inconsistent: I have slept through math most days and submitted things weeks late. I also know this work pattern comes to a halt once I'm at my dad's house, where I have to work in my bed and on my dirty floor.

Other updates since my last post? I bought a lot of clothes (for me, at least). I have a wonderful gorilla shirt from the 90s, a chimpanzee one from a bar in Williamsburg, and a Paul McCartney '89 tour shirt. I seem to be unable to shut up about them. Additionally, I now own a pair of mary jane/clogs that are slightly too big, and some red sandals which are also cloggish. My hair is a poorly dyed light brown and yellow now, a change which I sometimes adore (in the sun, on a good hair day) and sometimes feel eh about. I'm sure there is more that has changed, but I can't come up with it at the moment.

I'll tell you about my day, the best I can remember it. I woke up uncomfortable and dry-mouthed. A long-held desire of mine to have multiple blankets on my bed has led to me stubbornly laying on top of a harsh, almost ribbed comforter, my feet covered by a knit throw blanket from Ikea, all topped off with a small down (?) blanket that my mom said her friend gave her a year ago. I did finally make some changes to this setup later on today.

I actually woke up early, something in the 7 AM range. I seemed to close my eyes for a second and when I opened them again it was 9:21 AM, late for my art class. I shuffled into the living room and took an extra few minutes to assemble a breakfast sandwich. Mom had made some bacon, and I put it on a disappointing bagel with disappointing cream cheese. I threw some melon and pineapple cubes on the plate and logged into class. I didn't really have any reason to participate. During my next class, APUSH, I finished two of the four or so worksheet questions and then wrote something in my journal. In my mixed media class I started writing a letter, and during the free period that followed I doodled on an envelope to send it in.

The rest of school was Italian work, listening to my gym teacher talk about something or other, then the bare minimum of playwriting. I found out that in the three shoddy pages I wrote for class a month ago, I had somehow written about a bank as if it was a post office. One character told the other to wait as she checked her mailbox, while the other went and spoke to a bank teller. I fixed that issue and added maybe two more lines of bare bones dialogue. I've decided that anything is better than nothing in my godawful writing class, where the teacher doesn't grade your 5 minutes late work until you send fifteen emails. I'm over it, and so on June whatevereth when this 15 minute play is due, I will have minimal shame in submitting a fourth grade level back and forth conversation. I ate lunch while looking over my script.

I showered around 3 PM. I have been showering later in the day lately, though usually not in the mid afternoon. Typically I get in during my free period at 11:20, since I am 1). not at all motivated to sit at my laptop wearing a real outfit starting from 8 AM, 2). uncomfortable with changing outfits throughout the day, for some reason, and 3). missing my first or second class otherwise. My late shower today was fine, and I actually put on something cute despite knowing the day was practically over. I wore my mom's yellow t shirt with Angela Davis on it, along with a purple tiered skirt that I bought for a dollar at the flea market last summer. The skirt's elastic was overstretched, so my mom and I spent some time searching for a safety pin. I ended up using a small hairtie in the back.

I painted for an hour, like I mentioned before. I still have adjustments to make if I'm to really respond to my teacher's criticisms, but I think I am calling it finished at this point. I painted in an out of focus background over the orange wash that had been showing. I like it, especially the messy, unspecific bookshelf. It doesn't look like the one in the photo, but I think it has the same vibe. If I do a post at the end of the year with my artwork, I'll probably include this one. One weird thing- when I stood up, satisfied enough with my work, my throat was intensely sore out of nowhere. I'm sure it was the noxious combination of turpenoid and citronella candle that I had been breathing in directly.

After that I walked my dog, Jasper, around the block. He was good today- he didn't notice the other dog staring him down from across the street. I felt a little bit pretty in my outfit too. When we got back home, I decided to tag along with my mom to go to Wegmans. I got in the car, and so did Mama (my grandma), and off we went. The store actually lifted my spirits a lot. My mom and I spotted a delicious looking coffee drink that we resolved to get at the café on our way out. I grabbed some sushi (sorry I love store bought sushi so much) for tomorrow's lunch. I got a few other things for myself: granola bars on sale, yogurt I've been craving, a bottle of juice. I joked obnoxiously loud with my mother over silly things, I laughed at her despair when she couldn't find the chocolate-covered graham crackers she wanted, and hid when she literally asked customer service if they could find them for her. It was fun! And we got our salted caramel coconut iced latte, which was good.

Back at home dinner took a long time. I may have been a bit annoying about it, even after I started in on my sushi meant for tomorrow. Mom made shrimp and broccoli with General Tso's sauce, as well as some frozen scallion pancakes. It was very good. I read my book over dinner, then continued on the couch until the book was finished. I also got in a miniature fight with my mom when she made me stand on a chair to hang up her hamper instead of doing it herself. I got a little annoyed and then she was a little more annoyed. I wish I had just sucked it up- there's truly no reason for me to be pushy or stubborn about something so insignificant. I apologized and I think it's alright though.

That brings me to now. It's late! I'm not sure what time I'll actually go to sleep, and stop fighting little flies and moths approaching my desk light. There's one last thing from today that I'd like to mention: this little cutout of a monkey's face that I'd been keeping in the back of my journal for future use ended up on the floor earlier. I didn't notice at first, so I walked over to my desk to randomly find a tiny monkey guy on the floor. It was so funny to me. I decided to hang him up on the wall that corners my desk, and now he's just here. When I look at him, it makes me really happy.

Thank you very much if you read this :o) I just needed to get something up in order to break being stuck not posting. Also all the "today"s are now yesterdays as it is past midnight.