Tomorrow, June 14th, is my final school day as a 12th grader. I don't exactly know how I feel about it. School has been a fairly comfortable stasis for me, particularly during this past semester. I have a small group of friends, a teacher who is sweet and hospitable to us (we spend most of the day talking and snacking in her office) and a very light class schedule. I've done extracurricular creative things, been accepted to the college of my choice, and recently became employed. Overall I'm very lucky and I have reason to be pleased with where I'm at.
But... for whatever reason, whether related or unrelated to the coming end of school, I have been in a semi-depressive state for the past week and a half or so. That might be overselling or exaggerating it, but I don't think it's inaccurate. It isn't totally new either- discomfort and anxiety has always tipped me into hopelessness at times. If I were more isolated it wouldn't really be a big deal, but as it stands I've been "killing the vibe" and bringing down the people around me during what should be an easy and happy end to high school. It's pitiless and annoying, and I feel guilty about it considering that I'm literally fine: there is no threat of me harming myself or others or even like sinking into a severe depression. It's in short intervals, too! Most of the time I'm all good. It's just affecting enough when I do feel weird and disconnected to be frustrating. I know it'll blow over as soon as it began. (I hope it blows over right now).
It's scary to me that these weird/unstable emotional periods are inevitable. I can go months being (nearly) normal, feeling like a decent enough, confident enough person, and out of nowhere I am consumed with embarrassment. I am too aware of how unhappy I am in the moment. I talk a little too much about why I'm nervous about something, or I allow my feelings to be bruised one too many times and suddenly it's like an unstoppable negative force. It's nauseating to see someone's reaction to me, to think I caused that silence in the room or even look of confusion. Or sometimes I'll just be on my own and have a selfish, strange bout of misplaced anger. Who am I upset with? And why? I had this very restorative walk around my neighborhood last night and felt really self-assured until near the very end, when suddenly I was shaking with anger at some vague idea. Then I got home and I was alright again. Ultimately, I don't want anyone to be mad at me. I want to get back to normal so that I'm a good person to spend time with.
So there are my abstract troubles. I'm afraid, too, that I haven't been a good enough student this year and I've taken advantage of the kindness of my teachers. If I had tried harder, maybe I would have a more fulfilled feeling leaving school. I expect I'll feel more empty/numb than sad after graduation and I think that's kind of worse. That isn't to say I believe these years are the most important or essential in my life- it's that they are years of my life at all. I like to catalogue and reminisce. And school does matter to me... even at it's worst, I cared about school. I care about my friends and the things they've said to me and things we seen and heard and done together, and I care about my development as a person. So to let it all end on a note of nothingness might be really upsetting to me.
Maybe what matters less is the physical location and experience of School and more is me and the way I think and feel. Who am I lately? I have been listening to almost exclusively music from the 60s through 80s (mostly 60s). This has always been true but currently I only listen to one modern artist and it's Lana del Rey. How strange of me! How 6th grade of me even...! But I need to hear "Brooklyn Baby" nearly every day for some reason. Otherwise (older song-wise) I love the song "Onie" by The Electric Prunes, and I feel like it's about me and for me. 'Be yourself' is one of the most overdone concepts of all time and yet I want to cry and do whatever I can to preserve and embody Ripley when I hear this song.
Onie, I like you a lot... don't be someone you're not!
It's so all-encompassing. I can be as awful as ever and this song affirms that yes, I can be liked and loved even if I don't flatten myself to make other people happy or try to. And it's about a girl with a weird name like me. I know absolutely nothing about the band that made this song but I love them for it. ("Get Me to the World on Time" from the same album is also very good... I will likely listen further).
I haven't been reading very often, which sucks. I'm like an iPad baby, unable to resist the screen. I'm feeling intimidated about reading, too because I have so many books checked out from the library. They must all be overdue by now and I should read them all but probably won't, and returning an unread book feels terrible. What order should I read them in, even? And what about books I own that I still haven't read, I have to wait until I finish these before starting, right? Summer needs to be a time of heavy reading for me. I need to pick up a book while sitting in bed, and not only on every fifth train ride or so. It needs to be my main entertainment at home.
I tried writing a poem a day because I really do enjoy rhythmic poetry (sonnets especially) and the difficulty of writing them, but it was too hard and my vocabulary is embarrassingly limited. And, as with artwork, the level of effort I'm willing to devote is not very much. I used to channel all my energy into painting or writing for a few hours but it's difficult right now. The answer is to push through, of course, and to be motivated by artistry and the pride that comes from making things. But it's so easy to be lazy. It's so easy to be underwhelmed with myself and turn over and look at my phone. I've also been really fatigued lately for no apparent reason which makes it tough-- as soon as I do feel motivated, I can't stay awake or focus as needed. The poem a day lasted maybe 3 days.
I read part of this short story I'd written for my portfolio for school aloud in class, and one person told me how it was so very Me to write about the train. I like that my preoccupation with the subway is part of my identity in that way. It's really all I have anything to say about: waiting for the Q, or taking the F from Coney Island with my girlfriend in middle school, or looking for seabirds on the A to Far Rockaway, or how upset I am that the G cars have been modernized. Train-obsessed women are my protagonists. (I say this as if I've written more than three very short things this year).
I love sourdough bread right now. My favorite quick food is two big pieces of sourdough with lots of cream cheese and layered with cucumber, spinach, and tomato (salt and peppered). It's almost TOO good. I've also really been enjoying the sweet potato fries I get for free at work. My relationship with food has such ups and downs and my body image is stupidly affected by the people around me, but I am determined to leave behind my old insecurities as I leave behind school. I used to hate that I eat so much and so fast, that I enjoy hearty meals and I eat seconds and greasy food doesn't bother my stomach. Dumb ass things to be perturbed by. I love to eat and when I have delicious things it literally improves my day and my emotional state. Hearing people talk about dieting makes me want to tear my skin off, especially in school where I already am always slightly on edge, but maybe soon I'll be able to shrug it off completely. The body image part needs some work but honestly I think some new clothes will fix most of that issue... nothing I have really suits me at the moment.
I've been watching lots of Elliott Gould movies and I like him a lot. His style of acting, his voice, and the way he looks are all so attuned to what I enjoy. Or, maybe he has created a new standard for what I like in movies? He's just great, and odd. His more recent interviews are really funny because he constantly quotes other actors, songs, philosophers and scientists. He's both really critical of American culture and in awe of it, kind of a dueling cynicism and 'peace and love' outlook. I think it's cool how he goes from bitchy mean gay in M*A*S*H to oddly polite, mumbling, brooding detective (could he be a good Batman?) in The Long Goodbye. It's range but all truly Gould.
 |
| MASH! I think Gould, Sutherland and Kellerman are very cute in this. |
For an end of high school blog post I didn't say too much about school itself. I think I'll do a Murrow retrospective soon, featuring photos from the past few months and my post- end-of-classes thoughts. And probably a more in-depth Gould post. I may be a little pathetic for writing so much about "mental health" but I suppose it is my blog and if anyone does read it they must be interested in me as a person overall. Thank you for reading if that's you, and expect more from me soon.
Comments
Post a Comment