New Paltzification

(LAST WEEK): I feel confident in saying that, based on my 4 days of experience living on-campus at a state university, college is a simulated life. It's like a compact video game where the day-to-day needs of characters are simplified as to make playing fun and manageable. My roommate said it's almost as if we would spawn back in our dorm if we were to stray too far from campus. Knowing this, there's no reason to even try.

I like it here a lot, though. It almost seems like one aspect of life that was trimmed away in order to make a playable simulation game was my laziness and much of my insecurity. I have been out doing things constantly: going to the BEAUTIFUL, fresh, airy library, having food in the dining hall, exploring town, and even going to a (singular, disappointing) party. I easily get up for the day. The drive to live life on the campus seems to not even be hampered by unmanageable anxiety or social seclusion, which is what I'd expected going away to school... of course my roommate is a major crutch in that realm. Phoebe is like my built-in pal and we've done nearly every outing together since getting here. I find it easy to talk to her and we have a nice, welcoming room. It's a really good setup.

I guess I understand why the near-luxury of on-campus life is like this: we fund this with tens of thousands of dollars, after all. And we need a reason to tolerate classes and piles of readings and homework. (If earning a Bachelor's isn't enough on its own).

The craziest aspect to me is the weird Grubhub/meal plan collab. There are these little restaurants in some of the buildings on campus which feel totally unreal-- sort of like the fake pizza place they have for kids to mess around in at the Brooklyn Children's Museum? And we can use our 300 allotted dining dollars to buy stuff like sushi, subs, and pizza, or even groceries. There's also 50 "meal exchange swipes," which can be used to get a much more limited array of options from some of those spots without wasting dining dollars. It's almost too easy and nothing feels like real money since it's all prepaid. I am literally in a COMPUTER GAME!

Great pic of me on campus (wearing the Schroder sweater)

It isn't all perfect. The weirdness of living here and the incoming bombardment of things- readings, homework, papers, a residence hall nighttime job I already signed up for, a work-study job I need to get at some point- is like a net full of rocks dangling over my head. I'm a little tense! And I really miss my girlfriend. I miss affection and the real, true ease of being with her. I feel like no matter who I hang out with here, I'm going to be constantly dodging silences in conversations and looking for ways to appease. Yesterday I was disturbed to notice how, without exception, I manage to shift the way I talk and the phrases I use to mirror whoever I'm talking to. I really want to be liked, I guess? I want people to be as comfortable as possible talking to me. But I'm very grossed out thinking about how naturally I mute my actual way of conversing, whatever that is.

Why am I shocked by how academically serious everyone here is? I know this is college. I know we are paying specifically for education. But-- how is it that EVERYONE is committed to this? How is it that boys who look no different from the no-show kids from high school are studying intently in the library? How are we all going to be submitting essays and research papers and doing analysis? Am I insane? I barely have any drive to do this stuff.

UPDATE: I have now been living here for a week and a half. It's ebbed and flowed from really a fantastic, breathtaking feeling of independence to a pretty low sensation of being overwhelmed and sad. I don't think anyone else is as impressed as I am with some of the happenings-- like, I managed to get into a bar twice, and had a great time dancing with my roommate and one of our friends from the dorm. That's insane. I did that? And I find it nearly as insane that yesterday I was able to bike around the town and on a super bumpy gravel path for a good stretch of time. It was a weird moment passing in daylight the bar I had been dancing in the night previous. I'm near-adult and I am really free and capable enough to do most things.

My life here is so different than in Brooklyn. For one, I've been socializing and spending time in a group far more often than I ever have. At times it's really nice, and I feel grateful to be accepted despite being a sort of odd one out, but this weekend I reached the end of my social battery. I'm tired of talking and tired of the pressure of getting food or sitting some place with other girls. With dinners and lunches and breakfasts there's always a sort of comparative feeling (why am I hungrier than them or why have I ordered this or eaten so fast or what have you) that makes me sad. I'm determined not to let it get to me. Everyone I have spent time with is endlessly lovely and I know for a fact that the problem lies with my anxiety and not anybody's actions or statements, but it still has stressed me out on occasion. I kind of miss living out of everyone's view: I used to be a lot more solitary. But then again I like these people very much and I like feeling as though there isn't actually some huge insurmountable thing that separates me from normal, sociable people. 

I haven't been watching movies or TV shows at all, really. When I listen to music it's more often than not a vinyl record on my roommate's turntable. That is REALLY nice, actually. I'm a fan of that development. I'm hoping to be more analog in general, because using my phone less and experiencing physical things more is grounding and makes me feel somehow more at peace with myself and my day-to-day life.

Part of my side of the room (very much a work in progress) 

I know this is an awkward spot to end but I'd really like to get this post up (I really meant to last week). I hope to write more stuff for my blog- it kind of feels like a connection to the world beyond my little contained snowglobe of New Paltz. 

Thank you for reading :o)