Home of Ripley's things

Tomorrow, June 14th, is my final school day as a 12th grader. I don't exactly know how I feel about it. School has been a fairly comfortable stasis for me, particularly during this past semester. I have a small group of friends, a teacher who is sweet and hospitable to us (we spend most of the day talking and snacking in her office) and a very light class schedule. I've done extracurricular creative things, been accepted to the college of my choice, and recently became employed. Overall I'm very lucky and I have reason to be pleased with where I'm at. But... for whatever reason, whether related or unrelated to the coming end of school, I have been in a semi-depressive state for the past week and a half or so. That might be overselling or exaggerating it, but I don't think it's inaccurate. It isn't totally new either- discomfort and anxiety has always tipped me into hopelessness at times. If I were more isolated it wouldn't really be a big deal, but as it...

I decided that this weekend I want to focus my energy on something throughout, and this is a good place to start. I just finished my first real week in person at school since March 2020. It was about as close to normal as anyone could hope for with COVID protocols. I'm a senior this year and that's definitely strange. I don't feel confident or advanced in my abilities, especially in writing or art. In fact my only improvements since tenth grade appear to be in mental wellness. Which is very good! But creatively I feel like there is little I am capable of doing, and a lot expected of me. madeline took this :o) The first day had me sort of worried. It was nice to sit in classrooms, and to see the neighborhood of my school again. I was really excited to notice which rooms had a direct view of the Q and B train. If I look over to the left in my AP government class I can always spot one passing through. At the same time I felt a little nervous because of this tension that I had ...

My fervor for this blog, while invisible, has actually remained firm in my mind over the past few months. Almost every day I have the thought "I should really write about this on my blog". I just haven't done it, which is probably detrimental as I have developed some heartfelt interests that I can't help but talk about. It shouldn't be an issue. It isn't one, really,   but there's a weird balance I am always treading between my embarrassment and anxiety about sharing what I like, and my drive to totally pour out my whole heart constantly. So when I started to fall for with The West Wing (gateway drug to loving Martin Sheen) I only mentioned it half-jokingly or tentatively. Because I was embarrassed! I don't think the show is embarrassing, but everything I talk about seems to come out that way.  I don't know that I consume media in a normal fashion either. I have to really connect with an actor or singer to be reeled in by a movie or show or album, ...

I think it very shameful, at least for myself, to embark on this blog project and let it fizzle out so quickly. In all fairness, I have had a bit of emotional decline over the past almost two months. I'm not sure what happened, really. Lately I find myself less happy when I'm alone at home, more anxious, and sort of on this constant search for reassurance. For last month, at least, this entailed a lot less motivation to write anything, because everything came out whiny and sad. I like writing when I'm confident that I as a person have some interesting things to say, and not when I'm moping in insecurity every day when I'm not with my sweet girlfriend or my very close friend. Thank you both, shall I name drop? Like in my first post? Thank you for reading my blog and being nice to me, Madeline and Eva. Sorry that you have to read my same sad complaints on one forum or another. Anyway, cutting myself off there with that topic. I'm actively trying to focus energy in...

 I was not at all planning to do any birdwatching today. In fact, I didn't expect myself to even spend much time outside, it being so grossly humid and overcast. Somehow I managed to wander out of my apartment and into the neighborhood, though, and it's so great that I did! The sun came out while I was walking, so I continued on to the park. It was really tranquil there this afternoon. There weren't many people, and the sky was a little hazy. I immediately noticed that this small spot with a few benches was attracting attention from this toddler and her mom. Apparently, the kid had been throwing flower petals into the water, making all the birds in sight think she was offering food. And two swans had decided to stick around the little inlet! Happy spring little swan! It was almost too pretty a scene in front of me. Like, something I'd expect to see in an impressionist painting. There was a little green on the still water, from newly pollinated trees, and there was the b...

Yesterday was sort of a strange day for me. I had no online classes, which was fantastic, and I spent the morning and midday hours huddled in my bed half-asleep. I generally exist with a level of tension and discomfort that I become aware of as soon as I am allowed to relax, so it was strange when I got back into bed and felt really mellow and comfortable. My theory is I felt so good because I changed my bedding (I've been meaning to for like a week, and finally had an excuse to after I threw my room in disarray to let a cable guy access some cord and had to clean up). It lifted a major source of daily stress and guilt off my shoulders. I also had a lot of paranoia that my bed was dirty, therefore attracting bugs and making me unclean, etc., so that simple task was enough to relieve a lot of low-lying anxieties. For some reason, changing my sheets legitimately feels like a daunting task. It's really hard to get up and do. In the afternoon I eventually shuffled out of bed and go...

According to Wikipedia, the "Great Apes" are members of the taxonomic family Hominidae, a subset of primates that includes gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees (and their very similar counterpart, bonobos) as well as humans. There is something thought-provoking about this classification, despite the fact that people are generally aware of the evolutionary connection between humans and apes. Maybe it's a confrontation with the information that we are apes. The dominant species on Earth is listed alongside tree dwelling, fruit-eating, hairy creatures that we typically see in zoos.  I think it's exciting and interesting how close I am to a non-human ape. Like, having developed an interest in notable ape-figures like Koko the Gorilla and Ham the Chimp, the proximity between "us" and them has only encouraged me to learn more. I don't intend this post to be entirely philosophical, but I wonder if the novelty of other ape species is preventing me from rea...