Home of Ripley's things

(LAST WEEK): I feel confident in saying that, based on my 4 days of experience living on-campus at a state university, college is a simulated life. It's like a compact video game where the day-to-day needs of characters are simplified as to make playing fun and manageable. My roommate said it's almost as if we would spawn back in our dorm if we were to stray too far from campus. Knowing this, there's no reason to even try. I like it here a lot, though. It almost seems like one aspect of life that was trimmed away in order to make a playable simulation game was my laziness and much of my insecurity. I have been out doing things constantly: going to the BEAUTIFUL, fresh, airy library, having food in the dining hall, exploring town, and even going to a (singular, disappointing) party. I easily get up for the day. The drive to live life on the campus seems to not even be hampered by unmanageable anxiety or social seclusion, which is what I'd expected going away to school......

Wisconsin . I had a better time than I anticipated (I was kind of dreading this trip beforehand) but it's also been sort of grueling. Each day my family has attempted to complete 1-2 main activities: go to the Paul Bunyan logging museum! go to the free zoo in the park! go to the "Watermelon Festival"! and the like. This light load of planning was then added to by frequent restaurant/fast-food meals. Being in a fairly rural state, our drives from one thing to another were generally quick trips on empty highways. We just haven't been doing... much, in my opinion. The last couple days have left me feeling really irritable and bored at times. There was the admittedly disappointing ordeal of the Washburn County Fair, on Friday. It was pretty much as I expected in size: a few compact rides (tilt-a whirl, small ferris wheel, carousel), a few carnival games, some little food stands and of course, the barns where animals were being displayed and judged. I had a nice corn dog a...

 As I write, I am on a trip with my dad and sister in the Minnesota/Wisconsin overlap area. I have been experiencing a sensation not unlike one I might have if I'd been knocked on the head and woke up to find myself in a different state. Why am I in Minnesota right now , I thought, as I looked out our rental car window at a nondescript highway. There's literally no reason to come here. I mean, we went to the Mall of America but none of us are huge shoppers. I made my own (deranged, Monkees-themed) M&Ms at the M&M store. We ate a disappointing dinner at the Rainforest Café, and I looked at a lot of bad clothing, and we went back to our motel. That was day one.  I make it sound very depressing, but I actually had a nice time overall. Something about the air seemed cleaner, and the absurdity of being on a random highway in Minnesota was amusing enough to keep me generally happy. Day two was better: we got to drive out of the ultra-commercial area we were staying in (near ...

Tomorrow, June 14th, is my final school day as a 12th grader. I don't exactly know how I feel about it. School has been a fairly comfortable stasis for me, particularly during this past semester. I have a small group of friends, a teacher who is sweet and hospitable to us (we spend most of the day talking and snacking in her office) and a very light class schedule. I've done extracurricular creative things, been accepted to the college of my choice, and recently became employed. Overall I'm very lucky and I have reason to be pleased with where I'm at. But... for whatever reason, whether related or unrelated to the coming end of school, I have been in a semi-depressive state for the past week and a half or so. That might be overselling or exaggerating it, but I don't think it's inaccurate. It isn't totally new either- discomfort and anxiety has always tipped me into hopelessness at times. If I were more isolated it wouldn't really be a big deal, but as it...

I decided that this weekend I want to focus my energy on something throughout, and this is a good place to start. I just finished my first real week in person at school since March 2020. It was about as close to normal as anyone could hope for with COVID protocols. I'm a senior this year and that's definitely strange. I don't feel confident or advanced in my abilities, especially in writing or art. In fact my only improvements since tenth grade appear to be in mental wellness. Which is very good! But creatively I feel like there is little I am capable of doing, and a lot expected of me. madeline took this :o) The first day had me sort of worried. It was nice to sit in classrooms, and to see the neighborhood of my school again. I was really excited to notice which rooms had a direct view of the Q and B train. If I look over to the left in my AP government class I can always spot one passing through. At the same time I felt a little nervous because of this tension that I had ...

My fervor for this blog, while invisible, has actually remained firm in my mind over the past few months. Almost every day I have the thought "I should really write about this on my blog". I just haven't done it, which is probably detrimental as I have developed some heartfelt interests that I can't help but talk about. It shouldn't be an issue. It isn't one, really,   but there's a weird balance I am always treading between my embarrassment and anxiety about sharing what I like, and my drive to totally pour out my whole heart constantly. So when I started to fall for with The West Wing (gateway drug to loving Martin Sheen) I only mentioned it half-jokingly or tentatively. Because I was embarrassed! I don't think the show is embarrassing, but everything I talk about seems to come out that way.  I don't know that I consume media in a normal fashion either. I have to really connect with an actor or singer to be reeled in by a movie or show or album, ...

I think it very shameful, at least for myself, to embark on this blog project and let it fizzle out so quickly. In all fairness, I have had a bit of emotional decline over the past almost two months. I'm not sure what happened, really. Lately I find myself less happy when I'm alone at home, more anxious, and sort of on this constant search for reassurance. For last month, at least, this entailed a lot less motivation to write anything, because everything came out whiny and sad. I like writing when I'm confident that I as a person have some interesting things to say, and not when I'm moping in insecurity every day when I'm not with my sweet girlfriend or my very close friend. Thank you both, shall I name drop? Like in my first post? Thank you for reading my blog and being nice to me, Madeline and Eva. Sorry that you have to read my same sad complaints on one forum or another. Anyway, cutting myself off there with that topic. I'm actively trying to focus energy in...